Bless The Lord, O My Soul

In the days and weeks after Aiden's diagnoses, I often listened to Matt Redman's song 10,000 Reasons. On repeat. At first it was painful because I had initially heard it live at The Big Church Day Out, our last family trip before we found out about the cancer. It evoked the festival sights, sounds and feelings - worship in a community of believers with my family around me. The last night Aiden and Noah danced circles around us and sang the songs they'd heard. That was the way things should be.

The song brought pain by reminding me of what I'd lost. But then, everything was painful. Not the dull, hollow pain that hides in the recesses of my heart now, only occasionally making its serrated appearance. It was a sharp, stabbing pain then, a blinding pain, like being continually engulfed in flames.  I guess I kept listening because it didn't matter if it hurt; it would always hurt. Everything would always hurt.

Bless the Lord, o my soul,
O my soul,
Worship His holy name,
Sing like never before, o my soul
I worship Your holy name

It was a command, not a suggestion. It was an hour-long sermon boiled down to 25 seconds. It was the response to the questions, even if not an answer.

I'm hurting so much I feel I might die on the spot. Bless the Lord, o my soul.

I don't know how I will survive even a week of pain this intense. Bless the Lord, o my soul.

I can't watch my son suffer. Bless the Lord, o my soul.

How can this be happening? Is this a nightmare? Bless the Lord, o my soul.

Why? Bless the Lord, o my soul.

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. (Psalm 43:5)

Sometimes, like while staring down brain cancer and its ugly effects, our souls need a good kick in the pants. It gets very little airplay these days, the concept of "Christian Disciplines": prayer, Bible reading, conscious cultivation of the fruit of the Spirit, kicking the soul's butt, stuff like that. (Evangelical christians often flaunt their worldliness as "freedom in Christ" or proof they aren't legalistic - I say its more likely a lack of discipline. Discipline doesn't equal legalism. Spend some time reading Proverbs if you don't believe me.) My soul is the part of me with the wild emotions, the doubts, the fear, the part tempted to sit down where I am and stay. Forever.

So I speak to my soul. I tell it to worship, even when I don't feel like it. I tell it to be still when it's running in place frantically and hyperventilating, trying to figure things out. I sit in quiet contemplation, I worship, I pray in the Spirit. I read my Bible, especially Psalms. David knew pain and fear and uncertainty. I can relate. 

Sing like never before! In the midst of the pain, in a place I've never been, never could have imagined without standing here now-- sing like never before to the Lord! Make a decision to worship and to sing, even more willingly and with a more open heart than if all was well. 

Psalm 62

 ¹ I wait quietly before God,
      for my victory comes from him.
 ² He alone is my rock and my salvation,
      my fortress where I will never be shaken.
 ³ So many enemies against one man—
      all of them trying to kill me.
   To them I’m just a broken-down wall
      or a tottering fence.
 ⁴ They plan to topple me from my high position.
      They delight in telling lies about me.
   They praise me to my face
      but curse me in their hearts.
                         Interlude

 ⁵ Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
      for my hope is in him.
 ⁶ He alone is my rock and my salvation,
      my fortress where I will not be shaken.
 ⁷ My victory and honor come from God alone.
      He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
 ⁸ O my people, trust in him at all times.
      Pour out your heart to him,
      for God is our refuge.  

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me

Let me be singing when the evening comes 

 

"Hello, Mrs Vergori. I'm a pediatric oncologist. We need to talk."

In the early days after Aiden was diagnosed with an inoperable brain stem tumor, I became pain. All of my existence was pain- my thoughts, my feelings, the daily basic things I had to do to function. From the moment the doctor approached me and introduced himself, I was in survival mode. At times I couldn't identify a coherent thought, while sometimes being conscious of my every breath. It was the worst combination of feeling drugged and in slow motion, on a train that led me at insanely high speeds to places I didn't want to go. My teary, swollen eyes stung like a runny nose that had been wiped too often. (And yet I'm pretty sure I never cried in front of Aiden. Tim and I became good at distracting him from the other when we needed to look away and wipe our eyes.)

Raw. Like a piece of meet pummeled by a culinary tool. Like a wound gaping, flesh exposed and skin pulled back. Like a burn, infected. It hurt to breathe. Eating felt frivolous. In the night while Aiden slept, Tim and I clung to each other like we were being torn apart permanently, the fear and pain and grief raining down, drowning us. I felt as if I would die standing there, and I almost wished I would.

Those were dark days. If I was a spiritual giant maybe I'd report that I never doubted God, never considered turning away. But I must confessed that the demons visited me in the night: "If your God was good, this wouldn't be happening. When Aiden succumbs to this you will know the truth: that God is a liar. He promised one thing, yet delivered another." I listened for about 10 minutes. And then I sent them away, not with conviction of heart but with conviction of mind. I knew what I believed and even if I didn't feel it, I knew who the liars were.

I didn't walk through those days, I was carried. There are those who picked me up in faith and carried me through the Valley of Death to my spiritual pillars (monuments to where God met me). Half a dozen people, some I knew well and others I barely knew, where put in my path and anointed for the task of carrying me. I will be forever grateful, to God and to these obedient servants of His.

~ ~ ~

When Aiden was a baby I saw a video for David Crowder Band's song "O Praise Him" and God used it to challenge me. In the video a man listens to the song in his headphones and looks around self-consciously when he sings aloud. Finally, he gives in to his desire to praise God and lifts his hands and voice in the middle of a busy NYC street. God asked me "Will you do that?" I knew He didn't mean literally, necessarily, but certainly in other ways. Specifically, when I write. It's easy to write and talk and go with the flow of traffic on a dirty, gritty street; it's hard stop and praise there. I knew what God asked of me but I didn't see how it played out practically in my life.

After leaving Germany and moving to England, I stopped writing. My solitary lifestyle expanded and I had less time to be introspective and plan out blog posts. I figured also that whatever there was to write has already been written. Who am I to think I have something to add?!

In May, as I watched the David Crowder Band perform, God reminded me of His challenge like a lightening bolt to my spirit. As I worshiped and He brought all of this instantly to my mind, I cried out "OK!" I yielded, still not knowing what it meant.

Today I find myself on a filth-ridden street; the people are hollow-eyed and hopeless and full of fear. For a time I walked with them, but now I've turned and I'll stand in this street and lift my voice in praise to the One who walks with me. I pray that God gives me the strength to set myself on fire with a passion that brings Him fame, and that as the world watches me burn it will bring glory to His name.          

I'm posting for the first time from my mobile phone. It seems I can do anything from my iPhone: order groceries, pay bills, surf the Internet, probably adopt a couple kids too! It's no wonder I have "iPhone elbow"!

I'm so blessed to say that my heavenly Father has continued to move in my heart concerning a great change of focus. And He's a very systematic, methodical God; He lays the foundation and patiently builds from there.

The first revelation: my Christian life has been segregated from my "normal" life, and both have been Reese-centered.

Second: God has given me freedom, grace, money, time and much more that I will be called in to account for.

Third: I've ignored my calling, The Great Commission and God's expectation for me to care for the poor, rejected, and outcast.

Fourth: Christianity as I've known it must end. I'm not called to my own comfort or to an easy, self-indulgent way of living. I'm called to pour myself out for others even as Christ did for me.

What this looks like in my own life is still somewhat of a puzzle to me, though God is laying that foundation as well. First and foremost, it's prayer. Early morning, late night, all day prayer. Charles Finney recognized intercessory prayer as the single most important factor to revival, along with speaking God's word. If I can't give my time in prayer how can I be satisfied with giving anything else?

Along with that is my testimony. How will our enemy be defeated? By the blood of the Lamb (done!), the word of their testimony and not loving our lives so much we wouldn't die for Jesus. What I tell others about how I've been set free- about this great hope I have- matters! A lot! It's crucial!

I want to be faithful. I WILL be faithful. That's my choice and I will see it through.

Prayer meeting, anyone?!

Believing For Healing

I need healing. I have issues with my neck that cause pain, and when I saw the neurosurgeon a few weeks back he was urging surgery. To listen to him, I'd be fixed with the stroke of a scalpel (and some drilling!) with no further issues.

First off, I don't believe him. I looked it up online and the risks are greater than he represented to me. I could still have pain, I could have new pain, I could lose my voice for months, I would have a scar on my neck.

Second, I have a problem with the fact that this pain consumes me at times. It effects my moods, my thoughts, my attitudes, my actions. The pain becomes my focus. Not God, not others, but myself and my discomfort. Compared to the plights of so many around the world, a bulging disc just isn't that bad. I wonder if I had bigger issues like lack of food and true medical emergencies, if this pain would register on my radar.

Third, I think God wants to heal me. I've never been big on the healing bandwagon- I mean, sure God can heal, but will He? That's the question. I don't see miracles very often, so its hard to imagine one happening within my own body.

And yet, I sense that's exactly what's going to happen. If God wants me to have surgery, He'll have to tell me in a no-nonsense fashion 'cause this girl wants to see His mighty hand move. I don't want to be the center of my life, so I want to focus on others and allow God to take care of His child.

Now, I'm not saying that it would be a sin to have the surgery, or that someone absolutely shouldn't have it. I'm just saying that for me, for now, it's a no-go and I'm believing God to heal me. It's between each individual and God.

ALL for His glory,
Reese

Isaiah 58

Isaiah 58

True Fasting

¹ "Shout it aloud, do not hold back.
Raise your voice like a trumpet.
Declare to my people their rebellion
and to the house of Jacob their sins.

² For day after day they seek me out;
they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
and has not forsaken the commands of its God.
They ask me for just decisions
and seem eager for God to come near them.

³ 'Why have we fasted,' they say,
'and you have not seen it?
Why have we humbled ourselves,
and you have not noticed?'
"Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please
and exploit all your workers.

⁴ Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife,
and in striking each other with wicked fists.
You cannot fast as you do today
and expect your voice to be heard on high.

⁵ Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD ?

⁶ "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

⁷ Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

⁸ Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

⁹ Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

¹⁰ and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

¹¹ The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

¹² Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

¹³ "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
and the LORD's holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,

¹⁴ then you will find your joy in the LORD,
and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob."
The mouth of the LORD has spoken.